I hate breastfeeding

First of all let me say I am a proud breastfeeding mom. I nursed my first daughter 13 months and I am headed into the 9th month with my second daughter and will wean her at 12-13 months.

Let me also say I am writing this not to---but FOR--- all of the moms (or future moms) out there who have said, "Ugh, I just couldn't do it."

Every night while I do the last nursing of the night, I think about how I want to go write about how I feel when I am nursing, but then I de-latch her, rock her, kiss her tiny face, put her in her crib, sing her sleepy face a song, and I decide it's not so bad. But-- as I left her nursery (pun intended) tonight, I promised myself this night I WOULD write it down. I had to tell myself that hating breastfeeding doesn't mean not loving Teagan (or Zoe circa 2007-8).

When I was 5 months pregnant (before I got educated on the subject), I decided to breastfeed for two reasons alone:
1. It's free. (Formula can cost anywhere from $100-$600 per month)
2. I'd heard most women's breasts shrink to smaller than before pregnancy. I was a DD and hoping for a free breast reduction.

(Well, #1 was right on and awesome. #2... not so much. I went from a DD cup pre-pregnancy... to a DDD, to a G, to an H nursing #1, back to a G after weaning and much exercise, back to an H pregnant with #2, to where I reside now... a J cup nursing #2. I hate it. My back hurts all the time and anything besides a turtleneck shows cleavage. It's ridiculous.)

But--- I was determined to nurse. After reading all of the benefits (lower allergy and asthma rates, lower cancer rates for mom and baby, higher IQs, less sickness, lower incidence of SIDs and diabetes, decreased osteoporosis for mom, lower medical expenses, better for the environment, on and on... but this isn't what today's blog is about) it was an easy decision. Plus, my husband was ALL for it, and your husband's support- I learned from my lactation consultant- can mean up to 90% of why you succeed or fail.

Today's blog is about how I hate breastfeeding. How pretty much for the collective 22 months I've put into breastfeeding, I have waited for the next feeding time with anxiety. How I don't like how it feels, I don't like how long it takes, I resent that I can't just cuddle my baby-- she'll want to nurse. And with J cup breasts, it's not a cozy feeding for me-- one hand holds her neck above and the other holds my breast like a pancake so it doesn't block her nose and she can breathe. And both girls are LONG feeders. Even at 8 months I have to pull her off after 30 minutes. They'd never be done! I HATE IT. Someone out there might say, "Have you never enjoyed a feeding?" Nope, I would say I have never enjoyed a feeding. I would say, at best, I have gotten to a place of contentment many times. A handful of times I've fallen asleep, but it takes a lot for that because the sensation does not lull me to sleep despite the hormones that are released.

My point is this (besides "getting it off my chest"):
I don't think I'm the norm among breastfeeding moms, but I wanted to put this out there because I feel like non-breastfeeding moms look at breastfeeding moms as these women who "can" do it--it's easy for them or they enjoy it.

Well, let me just state for the record, I do NOT enjoy it. But I've done it for 22 months. Giving my girls formula to me felt like living on an organic vegetable farm but going to Walmart for canned peas. It's their milk. And it's one year of their life and they get this huge leg up-- how could I pass on that despite my "un-enjoyment"?

I do understand there ARE women who aren't able to breastfeed--and even if they are, it's just not the right choice for them, and I really do respect that. Being a mom is hard enough, you've got to do what works for your family.

I just feel like the only nursing mom who feels this way, so I wanted to put this out there.

So far-- if all goes according to plan-- I have 16 more months to go, which means I am only a little over halfway through my breastfeeding 'sentence'.

I am grateful that I am able to do this-- heck--even 2 months ago, my older one got pinkeye and I cured it by injecting my breast milk in her eye for 3 days! This stuff really is magic. Stuff like that keeps me going.

I just can't help feeling if more of the moms who "couldn't do it" DID do it, I'd have more people to complain with! ;)

Being a mother

I know there are so many who grow up without a mother, and that isn't me. I really had a great mother growing up. It's when I turned 20 I started to lose her.

In talking with a life coach, I have come to realize that letting go of what you'd hoped for and assumed (having an adult relationship with my mother, my children having a meaningful relationship with her) is grief work. These are still things untalked about commonly and not usually validated. But, it makes sense. Gone is the mother I knew and loved. Or, if not gone, buried by her husband, which might be worse. I have a hard time not feeling 'less than' that her love for me wasn't enough for her to feel protective of me or our relationship.

I love my girls to the bone. Yes, I lose my temper, get annoyed, etc--- but dare anyone else hurt them physically, emotionally, mentally and a rage of protectiveness rises in me like nobody's business. Perhaps that will fade, but disappear? I am 99.9% certain it will not. I am their mother and no person on earth could make me give up on them or flush our relationship.

I feel sad, but sadder still that the last years make me feel like I don't want to see her anymore. I hope that feeling or the circumstances, or both-- changes.

Nursery Loves Company

I dropped my oldest daughter off at school the other day, and settled into the passenger seat of my minivan for a nursing session with my youngest daughter. I had 20 minutes until I had to be at the park to teach Stroller Strides and I was determined to relax and fill her belly with milk.
I am always a bit anxious when I nurse in the car. If I park in a clandestine spot, will people think I'm up to no good? People hanging out in their cars is always odd. If I park in a out-in-open spot, I have to worry about people walking past and giving half a wave before scurrying off once they see partial boob.
So, as I settled in to nurse in my car for the first time in the parking lot of Zoe's new school, I was hoping no one would judge me--- either for what they saw me doing, or for what they guessed.
Then, I looked over, and in the minivan next to me, in the driver's seat... a mom nursing her baby.
We didn't acknowledge each other-- I think we just happened to notice each other at different times.
But I could feel the motherlove. :)

(Wouldn't) Trademark(s)

Zoe: What are these?

Mommy: These are my stretch marks. You and Teagan made them.

Zoe: Which ones did I make?

Mommy: Mostly these ones below my belly button and Teagan mostly made the ones on top.

Zoe: (touching) I made these?

Mommy: Yep. What do you think of them?

Zoe: They're good!

Gut instinct

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way. - Bertrand Russell

Seriously--weigh in on this one.
What do you do if your gut tells you one thing, but many people tell you another?
That SO undermines my instincts, I hate it.
It is hard for me to go against people I love-- especially when it's "people" and not "person".
At what point do you stop justifying and start listening to yourself?
At what point do you forsake being polite in favor of self-preservation?

Happiness

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."-Clarissa from The Hours
I remember this quote a lot. I read this book when I was 23 and it really stuck with me. I always assumed "Happiness" was a thing you achieved. You get to it, and then you're there. You've achieved happiness. Whoohooo, yay! Check "happiness" of the "to-do" list!
Nope.
It comes and goes. Appears for minutes, sometimes for long stretches, then disappears again until you least expect it.
I remember having this epiphany and being incredibly depressed. Then, later, realizing... well... if you "achieve" happiness, then what? Here goes another quote: "Ah, if life were made of moments... even now and then a bad one. But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."- Baker's Wife from Into the Woods
So. I am thinking about this today because I am now skeptical when I feel incredibly happy. Perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop, or perhaps listing reasons not be too excited... whatever. Shame on me. Happiness comes in moments, and I should bask in them for that moment, even if the other shoe is plummeting down, about to knock me in the head, why not embrace the joy before it clocks me? Why not be happy today, even if I have to admit I was foolish for embracing it tomorrow. Afterall, as my favorite Emerson quote reads: "Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today."

Teagarooni

This girl makes me feel better. Thanks, Teagaloo.