I hate breastfeeding

First of all let me say I am a proud breastfeeding mom. I nursed my first daughter 13 months and I am headed into the 9th month with my second daughter and will wean her at 12-13 months.

Let me also say I am writing this not to---but FOR--- all of the moms (or future moms) out there who have said, "Ugh, I just couldn't do it."

Every night while I do the last nursing of the night, I think about how I want to go write about how I feel when I am nursing, but then I de-latch her, rock her, kiss her tiny face, put her in her crib, sing her sleepy face a song, and I decide it's not so bad. But-- as I left her nursery (pun intended) tonight, I promised myself this night I WOULD write it down. I had to tell myself that hating breastfeeding doesn't mean not loving Teagan (or Zoe circa 2007-8).

When I was 5 months pregnant (before I got educated on the subject), I decided to breastfeed for two reasons alone:
1. It's free. (Formula can cost anywhere from $100-$600 per month)
2. I'd heard most women's breasts shrink to smaller than before pregnancy. I was a DD and hoping for a free breast reduction.

(Well, #1 was right on and awesome. #2... not so much. I went from a DD cup pre-pregnancy... to a DDD, to a G, to an H nursing #1, back to a G after weaning and much exercise, back to an H pregnant with #2, to where I reside now... a J cup nursing #2. I hate it. My back hurts all the time and anything besides a turtleneck shows cleavage. It's ridiculous.)

But--- I was determined to nurse. After reading all of the benefits (lower allergy and asthma rates, lower cancer rates for mom and baby, higher IQs, less sickness, lower incidence of SIDs and diabetes, decreased osteoporosis for mom, lower medical expenses, better for the environment, on and on... but this isn't what today's blog is about) it was an easy decision. Plus, my husband was ALL for it, and your husband's support- I learned from my lactation consultant- can mean up to 90% of why you succeed or fail.

Today's blog is about how I hate breastfeeding. How pretty much for the collective 22 months I've put into breastfeeding, I have waited for the next feeding time with anxiety. How I don't like how it feels, I don't like how long it takes, I resent that I can't just cuddle my baby-- she'll want to nurse. And with J cup breasts, it's not a cozy feeding for me-- one hand holds her neck above and the other holds my breast like a pancake so it doesn't block her nose and she can breathe. And both girls are LONG feeders. Even at 8 months I have to pull her off after 30 minutes. They'd never be done! I HATE IT. Someone out there might say, "Have you never enjoyed a feeding?" Nope, I would say I have never enjoyed a feeding. I would say, at best, I have gotten to a place of contentment many times. A handful of times I've fallen asleep, but it takes a lot for that because the sensation does not lull me to sleep despite the hormones that are released.

My point is this (besides "getting it off my chest"):
I don't think I'm the norm among breastfeeding moms, but I wanted to put this out there because I feel like non-breastfeeding moms look at breastfeeding moms as these women who "can" do it--it's easy for them or they enjoy it.

Well, let me just state for the record, I do NOT enjoy it. But I've done it for 22 months. Giving my girls formula to me felt like living on an organic vegetable farm but going to Walmart for canned peas. It's their milk. And it's one year of their life and they get this huge leg up-- how could I pass on that despite my "un-enjoyment"?

I do understand there ARE women who aren't able to breastfeed--and even if they are, it's just not the right choice for them, and I really do respect that. Being a mom is hard enough, you've got to do what works for your family.

I just feel like the only nursing mom who feels this way, so I wanted to put this out there.

So far-- if all goes according to plan-- I have 16 more months to go, which means I am only a little over halfway through my breastfeeding 'sentence'.

I am grateful that I am able to do this-- heck--even 2 months ago, my older one got pinkeye and I cured it by injecting my breast milk in her eye for 3 days! This stuff really is magic. Stuff like that keeps me going.

I just can't help feeling if more of the moms who "couldn't do it" DID do it, I'd have more people to complain with! ;)