Chosen Family

I am designing an application for entry into my Chosen Family.  Okay, just kidding, but that would be pretty cool--- imagine, with each new family addition, they had to apply for acceptance.  Actually, I'd likely be the first NOT accepted in my family.
But, see, then I could start right away building my own Chosen Family!  No years of struggling as a black sheep--just move right on to find your tribe!  No years of feeling unheard only to realize they don't want to hear about anyone-- they just want to play pretend!  "Jeez, Emily!  Stop having feelings, please!  It's awkward and we'd rather talk about real estate or someone's benign accomplishment, thank you."
  I was picked with 9 others in my college degree program--after an extensive process.  And I was actually more compatible with them than anyone in my family.
I don't know... might be a good idea, people.

A Serious Parenting Issue

There's a serious parenting issue that no one is talking about--really, no one.  I haven't seen anyone  raise this issue in any magazine or parenting forum I have come across.
This is of huge concern to our children's welfare and sense of security.
I ran into this problem today for the 3rd time in my mothering career and I am sick of it.
Toy companies are screwing with my kid's emotional well-being.
I buy a lovey for my baby and when it gets lost 6 months later, you have "re-designed" it. Stupid.  I'll bet Tom Hanks in BIG wouldn't let this happen.
I learned my lesson with Zoe.  When I bought a lovey for Teagan, I got 2 at once.  But yesterday she lost one.  I needed another backup.  I schlepped back to Kohl's this morning, and there it was:  the lovey I bought last Spring... "spruced up".  ARE YOU NUTS?
When Zoe chews an ear off of her Pooh lovey, I have to take it in the middle of the night, compare it to Backup Lovey, and chew it's ear off in the SAME way.  I have to make sure I rotate them evenly--keeping them equally disgusting and haggard--- and hide Backup Lovey in a  place she will NEVER find it.
And then Carter's goes and redesigns Teagan's motherfucking Lovey.  Are you kidding me?
See side picture:
This new one doesn't have polka dotted ears.  It doesn't say Love Me in block letters, it says Mommy Loves Me... in cursive!
I guess I should be happy they both have green bows around their necks, but one is light green, the other is pea.  One trunk sticks up, one swings to the left. One has hot pink hands, one only has arms.
One has a fuzzy face, one has a "shaved" face.  I could go 10-12 more but I get too upset.
Toy companies:   Um... don't you make things for... babies?  So, don't you realize babies recognize this different shit even before the parents, therefore making us look like Betrayers to our children? 
Get your shit together, Corporate Baby Companies.
Parents-- warn your pregnant friends.  Tell them to put down that 1996 copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and go buy 10 of the exact same Lovey.  (6 for you, 4 to sell on eBay to the mom who will pay anything because her baby is up all night and can't sleep without his lovey-- and when she gave him the new lovey he just got even more traumatized).
World Peace starts with a kid who sleeps though the night.
Get your Lovies in order, people.

Just like me, anyway, Asshole.

I want to be like classic sitcom characters and be loved not only in spite of, but because of my annoying personality.  Take a moment to think about how these people would play out in real life:

• Monica:  She made you use a coaster and she knew if you had moved something within 1/2" of it's actual resting place. 
• Joey:  An idiot and a womanizer.  (What a winning combo!)
• Jerry:  Commitment-phobe who backed out of any situation where his friends truly needed him.
• Kramer:  A mooch and a knucklehead.
• Carrie:  Whiny and makes the same mistakes over and over again and is still confused by her life and what choice to make next.
• Roseanne:  Obnoxious, polarizing, mean.
• Jules:  Control freak, wino, competitive, rules don't apply to her, but she applies them to everyone else.
• Elaine:  Bossy, rude and heartless.
• George:  Loser.  Always makes the wrong decision.  Whiny.

I love all of these characters.  Do we love sitcoms because these guys do and say what we can't?

Will I ever be embraced for being a hard ass?  A nag?  A control freak?  Correcter of grammar?  For pointing out my friend's flaws?  For giving people a hard time?

I love the total acceptance of these people on TV in their little circle of friends.

The thing is, I have actually mellowed WAY out in the last 10 years, losing my sitcom-ability status.  I liked being thought of as a hard ass.  Even a bitch sometimes.  I guess I'm losing my edge.

Now, only my husband and children get to enjoy all of my lovely qualities.

HBO and Zoe

So, as I flipped on the TV to put on a  little PBS for Zoe this morning, it popped on to HBO (we got a free trial 2 years ago and they forgot to take it away, shhh)... and on came the end of the movie "Head of State", a 2003 film.  If you aren't familiar with the movie (as I wasn't) it's basically about Chris Rock's character becoming the first black president--and I only caught the end, but it was pretty funny.  (Like the Republican candidate's motto was: "God bless America... and no place else.")
Anyway, Zoe saw the part where it's announced that he wins, and there is confetti and balloons and cheering.  Then a newscaster says, "For the first time in the history of America, we have a black president." At which point, Zoe turns to me and says, "Is Barack Obama in this movie?"  I mean, clear as a bell!!!  I was so proud that she heard that sentence and knew who our president is, that he is the first black president, etc---- so cool.  Yes, cool that she knows who is our president-- I certainly didn't know who Ronald Reagan was when I was 3, but more the fact that she made the whole complicated connection.  Awhile back she heard his name on NPR and said she didn't like him.  I asked why and she said, "I don't know."  I said, "Well, it's okay if you don't like him, but you have to have a reason.  Did you know he's a dad, too, with two daughters just like your daddy?"  Zoe said, "He's a dad?  What are their names?"  I said, "Sasha and Malia."  Well, for THREE longs weeks she kept asking about when she could have a play date with Sasha and Malia.
Back to the movie.  I'm basking in the intelligence of my daughter right when they show the end clip:  The Inaugural Ball.  Two blonde  women in tight miniskirts are basically doing a stripper dance sans peeling off the little they are wearing.
Zoe says, "Hey, look!  Those moms are dancin'!"

Blogging

Throughout the day I think of all these topics and min-stories I want to write about and see if anyone else shares the viewpoint/experience, etc.  So, we get the kids to bed, nod off while doing so, then I come downstairs to find my mind completely wiped of all of my own thoughts from the day.

Blech.

Gah.

Do better

I have a temper.
It gets especially red hot if one of my kids is emotionally hurt.
Like if Zoe kicks Teagan and Teagan gets that really sad scrunched up baby-crying face.
Or when Zoe pushes Teagan down to keep her away from her favorite toy and my husband comes and takes the toy, but doesn't comfort Teagan.
I also get angry when I have had to tell my husband the same thing 643 times.  Every Thursday is Pizza Night and every Thursday he asks what temperature to set the oven to.  I realize this is not a big deal-- I don't know why it makes me so annoyed.

I want to do better.  I have read that to implement any new behavior takes 21 times.  I seem to get to 2-3 and then backslide.  Our brains are wired to respond in the way we've been responding for years.  21 times sounds easy, but it's a lot!

Dadly Men

Note:  Hoping my dear husband will do a response post to this on his blog.

My husband is one of those dads who gets on the floor, rolls around with his kids, has massive amounts of energy, and lots of endurance.
Kids gravitate toward him--- kids of all ages.
We were just at a birthday party for a 3 year old girl and everyone was jumping in a huge bounce house.  Seth entered and within 5 minutes all the kids were all over him.  Jumping on him, saying, "get me!  get me!", laughing, even hugging him.  (By the way, our 3 year old does NOT appreciate sharing her Daddy.)
I watched all of this for over 20 minutes with a smile on my face and then suddenly felt a little sad.  It made me wonder if it meant that they didn't get a lot of attention from their dads-- or at least physical attention.
I grew up without a dad and did a brief research project in college on daughters who grow up without dads--- there was not much out there at the time--but one study struck me:  that daughters who don't experience the roughhousing/play of a father grow up with emotions more out of balance.
To be fair, I did see two other dads go in and play with their kids in there (though those weren't the kids flocking to Seth), and I am sure some were working today.
I am wondering if playing with their kids might be the single most important duty in the job description of "Dad".
Still thinking about it all, but wanted to share.

Polite

Since when was being polite the end all and be all?

You know-- they used to tell us in school to 'just walk away from bullies' or 'just be nice and kill them with kindness'.  But it is proven that doesn't work and is not an effective tool.  What works is basically calling them out on their bullying and having others around them do the same.  What works is setting boundaries with the bully.

It's sad to have bullies lurking in your own family--- and confusing because it's not a label that comes to mind until late into the bullying game--- you think it's just the culture of your family.  I just saw an Oprah where two girls were raped daily by their father and brothers and they just thought it was normal.   Sometimes families can be more toxic than any hallway bully at school.

 My basic point is:

"The polite thing to do is not always the right thing to do."

Leavin' my baby

On Sunday, the four of us went to an annual event here called Family University.  The entire Jewish community hosts a day of lectures and seminars from all the Rabbis in the region, and the kids get divided into age groups and get to do fun Jewish activities.  Zoe (a 3-4 year old) got to bake challah, make a challah plate, go on a  scavenger hunt and learn the Shema in sign language.
I registered all 4 famly members online and chose our classes weeks before. 
We arrrived, signed in-- got the agenda, figured out where our sessions were and then went to drop Zoe off.  It was her regular preschool classroom, but there were new people and such, so she was a little clingy and tentative.  I gave her an extra hug and with a bit of contained annoyance as she whined after me, started to leave the room.  Zoe's teacher called out, "Teagan's with my daughter in the baby room!"  My heart jumped.  What?  I had to leave Teagan?  As far I knew, the policy was 12+ mons AND walking and Teagan is only 10 months!  I got a little panicky, but played it off as if I'd head right there, but was to anxious and told Seth I just wanted to bring her with us.
Of course our first class was in the sanctuary.  Great re-verb.  Teagan was happy as a clam.  "Ba!  Ba.  BA!  Ra, ra, ra, ra. MA!  MA!"  I took her out.
I tried he rin the Mby Wrap, she was so tired.  No luck-- she was too stimulated by the new place and faces.  I peeked in the glass window to see my husband listening to a lecture on Kabbalah-- adults were in active discussion-- the youngest person in there was easily 30.  I looked at Teagan who was clapping now... and walked her straight back to the preschool.
My intention was to leave her for the rest of the 40 minute class and come right back and scoop her up.  I had nothing with me--it was all with Seth.  I said goodbye to her and tears streamed down my face.  Teagan?  Happy as a clam--right down to crawl around and check it all out.
I left and then say for 40 mins only thinking, Oh, god.  She's the smallest one in there--what if she gets trampled, or a bigger baby is mean to her, what if she suddenly looks for me,  she is definitely going to get sick in there.
I didn't even relax and enjoy being "alone" with my husband having an adult discussion!  Gah!
Dashed back at the break and she was SO happy!!!  Lesson learned.  I was the one with the anxiety, not her.  Sh did GREAT.

Good Recent Book Reads

If I had more time, I'd write better reviews, but here goes--not even writing full titles, going off memory and some of these titles are long:

1.  Thrive by Dan Buettner:  Fascinating!  Learn about the 4 happiest places in the world, why they are happy and what changes you can make to your life to wring the happiness out of/into it.

2.  The Naked Mom by Brooke Burke:  Saw her on the talk and decided to get this from the library thinking it would be another mom saying the same stuff.  40% IS the same stuff, but the other 60% was fun and comforting.  Very quick read.  Love that she says there is no such thing as balance, just "managing chaos".

About to read (once Amazon ships it!):

3.  Fifteen Minutes Outside: 365 Ways to Get Out of the House and Connect with Your Kids:  I'll let you know!

Still reading (for the last 3 months, I have about 70 pages left):

4.  The No-Cry Discipline Solution by E. Pantley:  Love this author, have read 2 other books by her.  She takes a really human/maternal approach and also acknowldges how hard it can be and how angry we can get, etc.  Good tools.

From a mom: Please don't cut education!

This is the letter I just wrote to our Florida Legislature and two newspapers (7 letters sent).

If you would like to write a similar letter, please write to all members of the Florida Legislature here:

charles.mcburney@myfloridahouse.gov

ronald.renuart@myfloridahouse.gov

mike.weinstein@myfloridahouse.gov

hill.tony.web@flsenate.gov

wise.stephen.web@flsenate.gov

_________________________________________________________

Dear Senator Hill:
As a parent of two small children, I am concerned about the massive cuts Rick Scott is proposing to the education budget. 

We are already 50th in the nation for education-- how can we justify CUTTING the education budget?  Children are not a business and education cannot be treated as such-----children come with all different kinds of baggage-- any good company would toss the bad ones-- schools cannot do that--these are children.

I have a 3.5 year old and a 10 month old.  Yesterday I enrolled my daughter in VPK and I am so excited about this opportunity for her-- I am praying it won't be cut by the time my baby is ready to go in 3 years!  Especially for kids who've been home with their parents, they NEED this year of transition to make them successful-- it was one of the reasons we moved back to Florida in 2009.
My husband is a 4th grade teacher--- we live modestly so I can stay home with both girls-- something that is VERY important to both of us--being there in these beginning years.  I want to feel secure that my husband will keep his teaching job-- a job where his students love him, he enjoys making a difference and works with what he's given.  How can deeper cuts even be entertained?
I graduated high school in Florida in 1998.  I got a great education here--- specifically in the arts-- no other state compared.  I was accepted as one of TEN into Penn State's Musical Theatre program---ranked 5th in the nation--- precisely because my high school had prepared me so well.
It is the constitutional duty of the Florida Legislature to meet the educational,
environmental, and health care needs of our children. Even in this time of
economic uncertainty, the Legislature needs to step forward and provide the
leadership that will find solutions to this budget shortfall.
As a mother, and someone who believes strongly in public education, I implore you not to cut education funds any further, and if possible, find ways to increase the support to make our kids competitive.
Sincerely,
Me

Whose choice is it, really?

What if: "Nowadays" Kids are (in general) unmotivated, irresponsible and have a sense of entitlement because of childproofing?
Now-- I can already see almost everyone reading this post commenting with a rebuttal.
But-- here is my point.

In the last 15+ years we have REALLY amped up this childproofing thing. Knob locks, cabinet locks, toilet seat locks, gates, outlet plugs... the list goes on. You know what childproofing was 100 years ago? Saying "NO!".
So... that's what my husband and I decided to do when my oldest started crawling. Of course we put a gate at the top and bottom of the stairs, but we didn't close it all the time. We wanted Zoe to learn to climb up and down.
We also didn't move any of our stuff out of reach (and I am sorry, but I have to say it drives me NUTS when other moms come over for playdates and move my stuff up high)--- we employed the practice of saying, "No!"... you know... parenting?
We had a FULL Christmas tree when Zoe was 15 mos old and for one month taught her over and over which ornaments she could touch and how to touch the tree gently (poke poke).
I know in 2011 this is blasphemy! Even the pediatrician ardently asks if you've childproofed your home before she would ever ask what types of food you're feeding baby, if you are keeping baby rear-facing in the car, etc.
Listen, I know the association may be far-fetched.
But, in a time when more and more people--and kids--- won't be accountable, I wonder about the lessons they learned that their parents didn't know they were teaching.
I have two kids-- I totally get the chaos of it all.
But, what about letting them make mistakes? There are tribes that live on cliffs, keeps sharp tools lying about on the ground--- those babies don't get hurt. Why? Because they learn to be afraid of that--- the curiosity is answered by the parents.
They always say the kid falls in the pool the ONE time you leave it open. (By no means am I advocating no protection around a pool here.)
All of these things give both parent and child a false sense of reality---and security.
If we start off this way, where do we go?
It's 2011 and we are more careful than ever with everything-- what we say, do, eat, etc.
But what about what we DON'T say? Or what we let products say for us?
Moderation is good.
But, I think it's important to know if what you are doing for your kids is what you feel is right--- your instincts tell you it's right--- or if you're just following the masses.
It's like baby formula--- it really isn't for every mother and baby. It's for those who can't breastfeed. But now it's the norm, and we're not supposed to question it. It's personal choice. But-- is it? If you were still YOU, but born in Rwanda (highest country for breastfeeding rate at 94%), would it be your choice?
I use disposable diapers because that's what I saw growing up... it's "normal". But, I wish I saw different choices because I'd rather use cloth--- the change just seems so big.
This is a lesson for me. It hits every aspect of my life.
Who cared about organic until we started hearing it in the media? But it's always been important.
Same with sunscreen.
Back to childproofing! I don't want to let all of these great new inventions and products get in the way of my mothering.
I don't want to look a my grown children and realize I followed the pack because it soothed me-- and I could blame them later. I'm so sorry to my in-laws, but justifying drinking all through her 3 pregnancies in the 60s and 70s because "the research wasn't out and everyone was doing it" is a crappy answer to me. What about what her instincts told her? Or stopping to think that if you wouldn't give a Manhattan to a baby, you might not want to give it to a fetus.
I plan to do some mindful parenting here and there.
My first task is going to be asking myself it what I am about to do/buy/say feels good, feels right, and works for the kind of mother and woman I want to be in the world... even if no one else I know is doing it.

Plush & Craggy

I feel craggy much of the time.

So-- I own one pair of jeans that fit my second-time-around-post-pregnancy body. One pair of workout pants. Exactly one "nice" top... and then a mountain of sweats-like things. What is this existence? Who am I, even?

I am a sponge. I am available to absorb the snot, juice, and tears of my offpsring. So, I guess the more plush I am, the better.

One day I will wear an actual outfit again and it won't be an occasion. I sense it in my distant future. Until then, I will luxuriate in my spit-up stained--but cozy-- wardrobe.

Wiping

I do a lot of wiping.

Noses and tushies mainly, but also a table top and floor here and there.

Lots of wiping. Lots.

Stroller Strides

Last weekend I went through the Stroller Strides Instructor Training Program again. I did it simply to earn CECs (Continuing Education Credits) since I was originally certified in 2008.
Sitting in that conference room all weekend re-learning all about prenatal and postpartum fitness made me think about the first day I tried Stroller Strides.
The #1 reason I went? I had a coupon! #2 I didn't know any mothers, except for one neighbor -- and when we had playdates I always felt I was doing motherhood wrong.
I remember getting dressed-- none of my old workout clothes fit, and even if they had I wasn't read to be that scantily clad. I couldn't believe how long it took me to get out the door with baby Zoe, then 6 months old. Water for me, snack for her, blankets, clean diaper, toys, stroller... the list was endless! Gone were the days of getting ready 15 minutes before I had to be somewhere-- I used to be great at that!
I arrived, self-conscious and worried. Worried about:

• Being the fattest mom there
• Zoe crying the whole time
• No one else going through what I was going through
  
• Keeping up
  
• Finishing the class
  
• Having fun
  
• Making friends
• Having other moms judge me

Sometimes these thoughts can paralyze new moms. I know they paralyzed me. I was happy bonding with Zoe at home, I was worried about cutting into that time to take an hour to work on something as vain as 'getting thin'. I was worried I'd be roped into a multitude of activities I didn't want to do. I was worried people would say it was unnatural that I felt like 24/7 wasn't enough time with my baby.
It didn't take many classes before I suddenly felt happier--- and more like "Emily". I had friends! Zoe had friends--whoa! And I looked forward to getting there---- crazy packing of the car and all. It turned out-- even though every mom I met was different-- no one was judging. Sometimes one mom would cry and then everyone started! Sometimes we'd chat and giggle and get in trouble with the instructor. What fun to know we were still women who people looked forward to seeing. It's different making friends as a mom. The criteria are different. It's not "Did we vote for the same person?" it's "Our kids didn't sleep through the night till the were TWO!" For me, in that first year (I've now just begun Year #4 with Stroller Strides) it was the feeling that baby was central to everything, but Mommy's health and happiness was the foundation--- and sharing that journey with other women going through it. The embracing of that concept still has me coming back every week.

Friends and Family: Who wins?

My Family of Origin is not dysfunctional in any special or drastic way-- just the regular way.
All the women obsessed with weight and the weight of others---judge success by it, etc. My grandmother's favorite bounced between whoever had the most recent accolades and sent prompt thank-you notes. The men were quiet, and there were subjects that were off limits. Only certain people got to claim mistreatment, others got no sympathy.
When I went to college, I put together my Chosen Family-- uncalculated, just fate. Made up of close friends who knew my deepest emotions and most shameful secrets, it was a relief to be embraced in my totality.
Over 6 years ago I found my husband Seth and also an entirely new level of emotional intimacy. We had two daughters and now we are a unit--a foursome--and in this cocoon I feel the safest I've ever felt. I feel heard, I feel loved, I want to reciprocate and I want all of us to be happy and healthy and okay.
My husband and I talk a lot about wanting close friends. We have moved a lot, and my Chosen Family is spread from Chicago to New York. Seth is more of a loner, connecting with whoever is in his immediate world. We'd love to have friends we can let go with, be us, connect.
But, is it possible?
In college, I was my own entity-- it was easier for me to make these deep connections when I was with the same people day in and day out---living, studying, sharing philosophies, staying up all night and not worrying about mortgages or rocking a teething baby to sleep at 3:28am.
I feel nervous getting close to another person who might depend on me, when I'm barely juggling the four in my own family (yes, I go on the list, too). But I long for it. Like, really long for it. But, after meeting new people, invariably I have a list of why I don't think we're compatible friends after about 2 hours. (I couldn't swear around her, he is an idiot, she is too negative, he doesn't help with the kids, she would think I'm too liberal, etc, etc. ) These are my own projections, but my imagination grips me sometimes.
Whenever I go out with other moms for the night, I am so happy---it's wonderful. I'm Emily again. No other role attached.
Maybe that's it-- in college I didn't really have any roles yet-- I was figuring out which ones I wanted to take on... shopping for roles.
Family of Origin. While I see a lot of young families around me closer than ever to theirs, I just feel the urge to keep distancing myself from mine. I feel-- at worst-- depressed and angry and --at best- nostalgic with mine. I feel I'm seventeen, not heard, and the biggest turn off of all-- the feeling that no one wants to address anything slightly uncomfortable--even if it's eating the room alive.
Where does that leave us? and wy do I feel like the only one in my generation in this camp? I see grandparents in my girls' friends lives all over the place. In the trenches! Or--- distant-- either geographically or long ago cut out.
Honestly, I want to do what feels good. Life has too many other "must-dos" that I don't want to spend mine in obligation. But--- sometimes I am not even sure what would feel good. Wonderful grandparents? A great network of other parent-friends? Just being our own little Carpenter Island? I've got to keep reminding myself that it take a long time to get these kind of answers.

Family is just accident.... They don't mean to get on your nerves. They don't even mean to be your family, they just are. ~Marsha Norman

Friends are God's apology for relations. ~Hugh Kingsmill

No two people - no mere father and mother - as I have often said, are enough to provide emotional security for a child. He needs to feel himself one in a world of kinfolk, persons of variety in age and temperament, and yet allied to himself by an indissoluble bond which he cannot break if he could, for nature has welded him into it before he was born. ~Pearl S. Buck