Gut instinct

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way. - Bertrand Russell

Seriously--weigh in on this one.
What do you do if your gut tells you one thing, but many people tell you another?
That SO undermines my instincts, I hate it.
It is hard for me to go against people I love-- especially when it's "people" and not "person".
At what point do you stop justifying and start listening to yourself?
At what point do you forsake being polite in favor of self-preservation?

Happiness

"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then."-Clarissa from The Hours
I remember this quote a lot. I read this book when I was 23 and it really stuck with me. I always assumed "Happiness" was a thing you achieved. You get to it, and then you're there. You've achieved happiness. Whoohooo, yay! Check "happiness" of the "to-do" list!
Nope.
It comes and goes. Appears for minutes, sometimes for long stretches, then disappears again until you least expect it.
I remember having this epiphany and being incredibly depressed. Then, later, realizing... well... if you "achieve" happiness, then what? Here goes another quote: "Ah, if life were made of moments... even now and then a bad one. But if life were only moments, then you'd never know you had one."- Baker's Wife from Into the Woods
So. I am thinking about this today because I am now skeptical when I feel incredibly happy. Perhaps waiting for the other shoe to drop, or perhaps listing reasons not be too excited... whatever. Shame on me. Happiness comes in moments, and I should bask in them for that moment, even if the other shoe is plummeting down, about to knock me in the head, why not embrace the joy before it clocks me? Why not be happy today, even if I have to admit I was foolish for embracing it tomorrow. Afterall, as my favorite Emerson quote reads: "Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict everything you said today."

Teagarooni

This girl makes me feel better. Thanks, Teagaloo.

Disappointed

I am never sure how much to reveal on this blog. I want to write honestly and openly, because, frankly, it's more interesting and I love when I read someone I really relate to. At the same time, I might not be ready to say these things out loud, you know? If the people I write about read this, I might not be ready for that. Oh, well.
I am disappointed.
I have fun going above and beyond for people sometimes. I just made my father-in-law 24 greeting cards made of different pictures of his grandchildren, then I fashioned him a stationery box to keep them in. I did it because the last 3 birthdays in the house we got the same notepaper. I thought it would be perfect. I will be mailing this tomorrow. Will he even use them? I don't know. I am really proud of them. I did a similar thing and sent it to a friend 2 weeks ago and as far as I know, the box hasn't even been opened. Haven't head either way.
The thing is, I get so excited. I get an idea, and unlike many of us who let the idea slip past, I want to do something IMMEDIATELY.
When we were planning PJ's Bachelor Party, I commented how confusing it was to plan that and a 3 year old's birthday party simultaneously--- PJ was likely to get a Cupcake Decorating Bachelor Party. Matt, a friend and groomsman, remarked that that actually sounded fun. So, after Zoe's party, I sent him a little cupcake decorating kit with 4 cupcakes. They were so appreciated! It made me feel so good!
Or birthdays... none of my friends remembered Zoe's birthday. I know they don't have kids, but... she has an email address-- I have a Facebook where I posted it and other random people said it to her--, she is my love, my daughter--they are my close friends. You bet your ass my kids will be sending theirs birthday cards if they ever procreate. (At least the first few years when it's really emotional for the parents.)
My mother--who instilled the very "say thank you!" thing in me, never says it to me or my husband. He cleans up after her when she visits, or I make us a meal or help her with something... nothin'.
But... the point of giving isn't to be thanked. I know that. But, I guess I can't detach from it yet. It feels crappy to give and then... silence.

Stillness

I don't know how to be still.
I don't have much "free time", but when I find an amazing moment where both girls are sleeping and my husband is busy... I have no idea what to do. Sleep seems like a waste of that time, and cleaning seems sad. Ashamedly, I turn the TV on more than I should. I do a fairly good job of turning it off if nothing good is on, but "good" has recently expanded to TMZ, so... I don't have great standards. (To be fair, I don't have cable and nursing gets me hooked on shows I would otherwise never watch.)
I caught half of an Oprah show a few weeks ago about the book "Women, Food and God" (again, while nursing). While I was watching, a little voice kept nagging at me, "You're afriad to be still."
I know it's true. I am.
I have done it so little in the last several years, that I am actually afraid of stillness. It's not what many moms describe---feeling guilty for taking a moment for myself--believe me, I grab moments even when I shouldn't, sending my 3 year old to the playroom to watch a TV show while I read email and pay bills---or sticking my baby in the swing so I can get a much deserved snack when I am starving. I'm no martyr.
This is different. A fear of being quiet, Doing nothing.
Even now, I am typing about doing nothing instead of just doing nothing.
I did an experiment before this--- I realized I'd have at least 15 free minutes and decided to try to be still just for 5 of them. After 1 minute I couldn't believe 10 minutes hadn't passed.
Why can't I be still and sit and listen? Am I afraid of what I'll hear?
I am not sure. But, my plan is to try again. This time, 2 minutes of stillness.
Maybe by the time I'm dead I'll have learned to be still. It should come in handy then.

Life Coach Goddess

Part 1. So, I went to a therapist yesterday to talk about my
long-standing
issue of my stepdad, and directly related to that, my mother. It's been 8 years since I talked to a therapist and I was really looking forward to it. Well... this woman was ridiculous. I don't want to waste time recanting the 45 minute session, but her closing statement went something like, "Basically, your best bet is just to let it go pretend everything is fine around your mom." Okaaaaaay. Aaaand, you're done.

Part 2. I call Liz. She hooks me up with her old life coach. Brilliance! For the first time in 10 years I feel like I have some tools to deal with events as they arise. I feel validated. I feel strong enough to stand in my own power (please let this last)! I feel I can drop my guilt. I feel like I can trust my gut again instead of allowing guilt I feel from my mother let me color my instincts. I mean, I am just amazed at how good I feel. This has been a drain on me for 10 years--more so in the last year than ever before. Why is it so easy to doubt what you know is true? Is it because other people reflect back different things? I am not sure, but this life coach---let's call her Joy since she brought a little my way--- reminded me of the simplest most important rule: Trust your gut. How can it be so easy to forget that? Isn't it amazing how sometimes a little nudge is all you need to turn a huge corner? I feel so grateful. Gut... I'm listening, lil' guy. :)

Friends (again)

Zoe turns 3 in 48 minutes. Wow. I remember her 1st birthday at the park with 6 friends and their parents. Last year, we'd only lived here 1 month and just had family over. This year, Zoe has 4 friends coming-- that's special.
Today I went to a birthday party for Zoe's friend, Norah. Norah's mom had her college friends and their kids there. I was envious. I am a little yearn-y for friends with these requirements:
1. Proximity
2. Children similar age as mine
3. Value similar things/ideas
4. Able to be (and be loved for) completely myself
Maybe it's just around the corner. I know the fact that Seth and I have moved several times in 7 years hasn't helped. I know feeling a disconnect from my family magnifies the situation.
I love my kids and husband so much I just want to share them.
My sister moved about 7 years ago and she and her husband have made such a great circle there, I admire her. I'll report back in 6 years with a status report. :)