I don't know how to be still.
I don't have much "free time", but when I find an amazing moment where both girls are sleeping and my husband is busy... I have no idea what to do. Sleep seems like a waste of that time, and cleaning seems sad. Ashamedly, I turn the TV on more than I should. I do a fairly good job of turning it off if nothing good is on, but "good" has recently expanded to TMZ, so... I don't have great standards. (To be fair, I don't have cable and nursing gets me hooked on shows I would otherwise never watch.)
I caught half of an Oprah show a few weeks ago about the book "Women, Food and God" (again, while nursing). While I was watching, a little voice kept nagging at me, "You're afriad to be still."
I know it's true. I am.
I have done it so little in the last several years, that I am actually afraid of stillness. It's not what many moms describe---feeling guilty for taking a moment for myself--believe me, I grab moments even when I shouldn't, sending my 3 year old to the playroom to watch a TV show while I read email and pay bills---or sticking my baby in the swing so I can get a much deserved snack when I am starving. I'm no martyr.
This is different. A fear of being quiet, Doing nothing.
Even now, I am typing about doing nothing instead of just doing nothing.
I did an experiment before this--- I realized I'd have at least 15 free minutes and decided to try to be still just for 5 of them. After 1 minute I couldn't believe 10 minutes hadn't passed.
Why can't I be still and sit and listen? Am I afraid of what I'll hear?
I am not sure. But, my plan is to try again. This time, 2 minutes of stillness.
Maybe by the time I'm dead I'll have learned to be still. It should come in handy then.
Nice comment about being dead - very encouraging. Reading your blog reminded me how whenever I'm not teaching an acting class, I miss out on the yoga and relaxation portion of the class. I love being able to help my students relax by telling them that "your job right now is to be right here, lay down, relax and do nothing." It still takes half a semester to get it through their heads. Relaxing is hard. The second I lay down, or even lounge, I doze off. You're right, we need to schedule it. Forced relaxation - it's the only way (until good ol' death comes along!)
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